Ask Ang March 11th: Prioritizing Female Pleasure
I’m a cis woman, and I have been hooking up with my now boyfriend consistently for the past month. I’m very happy to give him oral sex and initiate it whenever I do. However, he has never gone down on me, and it is something I would like or at least a little more focus on my pleasure/longer foreplay. I never want to pressure him if performing oral on me makes him uncomfortable but it feels inherently unequal considering he always comes, and I never have with any of my partners. How should I go about bringing up the possibility of him going down on me and asking for more foreplay?
You are very thoughtful in considering your boyfriend’s feelings around giving you oral sex and considerate in not wanting to pressure him into doing something he does not want to do. However, if you feel like something is missing in your sexual relationship, and you have never brought up the issue before, it never hurts to bring up the topic and ask. Your feelings and sexual pleasure matter too, and you should never feel guilty or like you are taking advantage of him for asking him to go down on you. If you are comfortable with it, and feel like he would respond with an open mind, you can always directly ask him to go down on you if he is willing. Leave the option open for him to refuse, but he should not feel pressured if you clearly indicate that this is completely optional.
Both partners’ sexual pleasure is important in any relationship. Your boyfriend may have not considered going down on you before, or maybe did not want to initiate oral sex because he thought you would feel uncomfortable and not enjoy it. If you are not comfortable with directly asking him to give you oral sex, I would suggest starting the conversation with what gives you both the most pleasure. This way, you can have a better idea of what each person enjoys in bed, which can only help a relationship, but also express your feelings in a way that may feel a little less pressuring for you. If you’re not comfortable having such a direct conversation, you can indicate during foreplay that you want it to continue longer or lead into oral sex that pleases you.
Female pleasure is often not prioritized in the bedroom, and women are often more hesitant than men to speak up and advocate for their own sexual pleasure and needs. However, our needs are important too. Simply vocalizing that you enjoy receiving oral sex as well as giving it, or longer foreplay, may be the only thing needed to make your boyfriend more aware of your needs. Having an open, honest exchange, whether that be about both of your pleasure, your boyfriend giving you oral sex, or your thoughts on foreplay vs. sex, should not induce pressure and can lead to amazing breakthroughs in the bedroom!
Here’s a resource that may be helpful to you when broaching the topic with your boyfriend: https://www.bustle.com/articles/76686-guys-not-giving-oral-sex-but-expecting-it-in-return-7-ways-to-deal-when-men
Note: Questions may be edited for length and/or clarity